My Life, My World
by quibbler149
Summary: After a family disaster, Lily is forced to accept money offered to her by James' mother. The condition? Stay away from James. Years later when the two meet again, Lily has difficulty facing the heartbreak and James has difficulty forgiving her.
1. Forgive Me

Chapter One:

"Lily! Lily!" cried he.

I traced my finger around his silhouette in my window.

James.

James.

James.

"Lily! Don't leave! Don't leave! Lily!"

His desperate pleadings drifted towards a crack in the window and I felt the warm rush of tears plaiting down a cheek. I heaved back a sob and craned my neck to catch a last precious glimpse of him. Of James.

He was pounding on the train. His iron fists banged sharply against the metal. But it was useless. No matter how strong he was, he couldn't beat the Express. Not even the fact that I was in the Express. And I was leaving. He finally caught sight of me, my tear-splotched face gazing forlornly at him through a rain-stained glass.

"Lily! Lily!"

I couldn't look away. My heart was splintering. It was shredding into minute fibers and incinerating to a pile of ashes. My heart was screaming in pain, in hurt. My heart was doing so much more than just breaking.

There was a creak as the train lurched forward.

It was a sign of the journey.

I smashed my palms against the window and peered sadly at the boy on the platform. He was confused; confused, angry and distressed. He couldn't understand. I didn't even understand. Why was I doing this? Why was I tormenting us so?

Then I remembered.

I remembered the people that came to my home during the holidays. I remembered James' mother. She was tall and coldly beautiful. She haughtily pushed a voluminous briefcase towards us. There were crisp notes and dollars and Galleons and Sickles and money from every corner of the Earth. My parents stared. Petunia stared. I looked away. She wanted me to stay away from her precious son. I wasn't good enough. I needed to leave.

I rejected her offer. She smirked and told me not to regret my decision.

I told her I wouldn't.

Two days later when my father's company fell, I sent an owl telling her I had reconsidered.

I took the money.

At this tender memory, my head collapsed onto my hands and the tears of my sacrifice exploded onto my icy skin.

There is no gain without sacrifice.

My family was grateful to me.

I was regretful.

Petunia looked at me under her dark lashes. I didn't know what she was thinking.

The train was gaining speed.

James was running now.

He was so athletic and could run for so long.

But he couldn't outrun the train. He couldn't chase up to me.

In desperation, I saw the shape of his mouth. His words were drowned by the roar of the engine.

"Lily! I love you! I love you!"

I couldn't look anymore.

I was blind.

I told myself I could be indifferent. I could sit and isolate myself from the memories and the love and the ache and the betrayal of myself. I could take myself out of the equation. I sank back in the seat and willed myself not to treat myself to a receding glance at the breathless boy crying my name behind me.

I could do it.

Was my pain worth it?

"Forgive me, James. Forgive me."

**AN: Hello! I decided to re-do this chapter. Ah, fond memories. This was the first chapter I EVER wrote on fanfiction. I remember writing so much, then looking at the preview and thinking **_**where the hell did it all go?**_** So, let me know what you think and REVIEW! It's still very short, but I think it's not so confusing now. Maybe. Hopefully. You tell me.**


	2. Continuation of Life

Chapter Two:

The day outside didn't beckon to me. Cold wind and bitter rain made me wish I didn't have to go to work, but stay snuggled up in bed forever. I sighed and dragged my unwilling body from the warm covers. What a hard life being me.

I surveyed my options for my wardrobe of the day.

There wasn't an extensive collection. I was not really one for clothes.

There were the usual drab grays and beiges. I didn't feel like wearing that today.

After a continuous search for some colour, I decided a bright pink bridesmaid gown leftover from Sally's wedding was not an ideal choice. In defeat, I plucked out a random sweater and skirt.

Face it, Lily. You are boring. Embrace it.

I half-heartedly dressed myself and scrunched my hair into a bun. I didn't even bother checking my reflection in my full-length mirror. There was a large hole in my cream stockings on the inner thigh, but it was hidden from view by my boring skirt. No one would be looking up there.

The pumps sitting innocently by the side of my apartment door were shoved to one side. I wasn't going to wear them today! I would be different for once! I would be bold! I would be the Lily I had once been in Hogwarts.

The Lily with James.

I sighed and reached for the pumps once more.

Embrace the boring.

Stepping into the crisp morning caught me off guard. A chill blew through the holes in my sweater and I ran back to grab a coat.

But the door had already shut and the lock and clicked automatically in place. It was too late.

Just like everything else.

I decided I would be irrational Lily today and go this cold day without a coat.

The rational part fought back and I drowned it by stepping towards my boring black car.

The ride to work was uneventful. There were the usual gaggles of schoolgirls, cheeks pink from the breeze, collars hiding their necks, giggles surfing over my windshields. I was like that once. But it was a long time ago.

As I pondered the failure I lived in, a plume of black smoke billowed across the front of my car.

I blinked angrily.

Pollution was not a friend of mine.

The offending vehicle raced through thin gaps between the traffic and I marveled at the driver's skill. Unconsciously, I registered the vehicle's number plate in my mind.

45A66F.

Thinking that I needed something out of the ordinary, I switched on the radio.

In my defense, this did not often happen.

Yes, that was the furthest I ever approached to rebellion.

_Sing a sad song  
In a lonely place  
Try to put a word in for me  
It__'__s been so long  
Since I found this place  
You better put in two or three  
We as people, are just walking __'__round  
Our heads are firmly fixed in the ground  
What we don__'__t see  
Well it can__'__t be real  
What we don__'__t touch we cannot feel_

Oasis whispered softly through my speakers.

Unlike some teenagers driving their fast cars nowadays, my speakers did not bellow and shout. They whispered.

Rational Lily again.

_Where we__'__re living in this town  
The sun is coming up and it__'__s going down  
But it__'__s all just the same at the end of the day  
And we cheat and we lie  
Nobody says it__'__s wrong  
So we don__'__t ask why  
Cause it__'__s all just the same at the end of the day  
We__'__re throwing it all away  
We__'__re throwing it all away  
We__'__re throwing it all away at the end of the day_

The song seemed to know me really well.

I tried to remember the song's name. It was hard.

What was it again?

Sad Song.

Oh, the irony.

_If you need it  
Something I can give  
I know I__'__d help you if I can  
If your honest and you say that you did  
You know that I would give you my hand  
Or a sad song  
In a lonely place  
I__'__ll try to put a word in for you  
Need a shoulder? Well if that__'__s the case  
You know there__'__s nothing I wouldn__'__t do_

At this point, I had arrived in the Ministry's parking lot. It was time to farewell irrational Lily for the day.

The dying of my engine also abruptly cut off the music filtering through the car.

_Where we're living in this to-_

I reached for my leather briefcase tossed neatly in the backseat. Well, if it was possible to toss neatly (which, according to me, it was).

As I was walking into the building, something caught my eye.

It was a motorcycle with the registration number of 45A66F.

My head drooped to one side and I rubbed my eyes to make sure it really was the vehicle from before.

Then, I pushed away the intuition telling me something peculiar was about to happen today.

Nothing exciting ever happened to me.

Well, to rational Lily, anyway.

**AN: Yes, I rewrote the second chapter too. Don't kill me. But honestly, I quite like this chapter. Do you feel Lily's world now? If you're confused, let me just tell you that our heroine has all grown up and working for the Ministry. Exciting (not)! Anyway, the song is 'Sad Song' by Oasis. Do I even need to tell you I like reviews?**


	3. Remembering Memories

Chapter Three:

Apart from the exceeding boring-ness, I actually quite like my job.

"Good Morning Miss Evans."

"Morning, Miss Evans."

"How are you today, Miss Evans?"

I smiled back and nodded my head when it should be nodded, replied when I should reply, and maintained an air of calm and happiness. Brilliant actor that I was, I was easily believed.

The Ministry contained people who respected me, but none that were my friend. I had no friends. I haven't had any for a long time. The only friends I remember are Evelyn and Jenny. Oh, what friends I had.

One of my best friends was a tough girl. Evelyn was the funniest, liveliest, most amazing person I'd ever met. She exuded such bright happiness, such spontaneity. She lived in the moment and never thought about taking things slow or leaving it until tomorrow. "Carpe Diem! Seize the day!" exclaimed she. How I loved her for it.

My other best friend was a quiet and docile girl. Jenny loved reading and going slow. She drew out every step and plan before taking action. She over prepared and over prepared again. She covered every hole, every base. She made sure things were perfect and smooth. She was the glue that stuck us together when we were falling apart.

We received top marks, achieved perfect records. It was expected of us in different ways.

I had my Charms and Potions, Jenny her Transfiguration, and Evelyn her Defense Against the Dark Arts. We worked hard for those good grades. We suffered for them, even.

How can I even begin to describe my friends' beauty?

Evelyn was like a dark shadow, a feline girl that slinked around inky corners and purred alluring secrets in your ear. She had the loveliest long dark hair that twisted in straight lines down her shoulders, her back, her neck. Too many people asked her what lipstick she used and she always replied, "Naked." Because it was. There was nothing on her lips. They were naturally red. They bested any synthetic color that emerged in thin metal tubes. That color was the most beautiful.

Jenny, on the other hand, was a beacon of light. She was a bright ray of gentleness and softness and everything motherly and warm. She was pure and untouchable because of her innocent quality. It felt like a sin to look at her for too long. She made evil cower at her feet. Her skin was a snowy sheet of white, dusted with sprinkles of blonde freckles, so light and thin they almost drifted off her skin.

And I received my one gift, my eyes; my best quality. Probably my only quality apart from the mane of fire my genes had bestowed upon me since birth. Those were the traits that stood me out. They stopped me from fading. They scratched a line of existence for me to step into before I disappeared altogether.

Understand that I was never jealous of my friends. Who could possibly be jealous of such wonderful friends as they?

But occasionally I did wonder how unfair it was that some received more than others.

Too often I tried to find myself. Too often I failed.

Then James found me.

Who would have thought?

Potter, that clown loitering around the brink of my knowledge and forever trailing after me, joking about dates and romance.

Then the clown became my life, my world.

My world broke into little pieces the day I left.

No, it broke before that. It broke when I held the horrible case of riches in my hands, disgusted in myself, wallowing in my filth.

My happiness was short lived.

My short excursion down memory lane ended as the squeak of the elevator paused and the gates swung open. I looked up, fingered my briefcase and stepped forwards, fancying that I was actually leaving behind my sadness instead of a musty old elevator. It was a nice thought and I encouraged myself to think such things more often.

Anything for happiness, right?

I reached a wooden door, dusty and in need of a good wipe-down; my office.

Starting to open the briefcase, I turned the paint-speckled doorknob with my left hand as well.

I cannot multi-task very well, have I mentioned that?

Before I had time to turn on the lights or swish open the heavy curtains obscuring all illumination, someone grabbed my arm and covered my muffled shriek with a leathery hand. I nearly swallowed my tongue with fright.

My attacker kicked closed the door and dragged me backwards to the desk.

I closed my eyes and prayed to the heavens.

_Please don't let me die. Not yet. I haven't even had the chance to explain to James properly_.

Behind me, the person maintained an iron grip on me. He began to chuckle, his throaty laugh vibrating my back. I stayed very still, panic threatening to overpower my rationality.

"Lily, don't you remember me?"

Now where had I heard that voice before?

**AN: I've decided to rewrite most of the chapters of this fic. It's just that they were done so badly before (in my days of naivety and crappy writing) and I want to change some things. Who do you think her attacker is? Be warned, it isn't who you think it might be. I'm sorry if you find my chapters too short. They'll get longer, I promise. But I hadn't written long chapters before so I can only stay at this length until I start new chapters. Anyway, this note is getting too long and, who am I kidding, you're not reading this. So, just review and I shall shut up. Please? **


	4. Encounter With An Old Friend

Chapter Four:

By now, I remembered that I was human and humans need to breathe in order to stay alive. I swallowed my fear and inhaled deeply through my nose.

"Lily, I'm going to release you, now. Please do not scream. I am not going to hurt you. Nod if you understand."

I nodded helplessly.

He waited a few moments more before releasing me and yanking on the lights in one fluid motion. I blinked few times, blinded momentarily by the incandescence. Then, I saw him.

"Sirius? Sirius! God, Sirius! It's really you! You scared the hell out of me!"

I was so choked up with emotion and relief and happiness that I forgot to breathe again.

"Lily, calm down. You're turning purple." Sirius sounded amused. I grinned idiotically back at him.

"God, Sirius. It's been a long time. How long, exactly?"

"Now, Lily, you know better than to test my memory. It's appalling still."

I laughed, letting the light-headedness overtake me.

Sirius sensed this and guided me to a threadbare sofa. I sat down gratefully.

"Sirius, why are you here?"

He smiled at me.

"Wouldn't you like to know, Miss Evans?"

I slapped him across the arm hard and he rubbed it reproachfully.

"That, my dear Mr. Black, was for making me think I was about to die. What was the attack about, anyway?"

"Lily, it's being so long and you know how I roll. I must have a grand entrance!"

"Surely not as grand as nearly killing your old friend?"

"Well, I wasn't actually going to kill you…"

"Bu what if I had a heart condition?"

"Lily, you don't have a heart condition."

"Well, not back then. But what if I acquired one in these later years? You could have scared me to death. Literally!"

"Stop being so dramatic. You're fine."

"Well, you're lucky that you haven't traumatized me for life."

"Yes, very lucky indeed. Now, come on."

At this, Sirius pulled me up by a sleeve and forced me to the door. I struggled painfully.

"Sirius! Where are you taking me?"

"It's important, I promise!"

"Yes, but I'd still like to know where I'm going!"

He sighed impatiently. "Lily, can't you trust an old friend?"

I crossed my arms. "Not when it's you."

He smiled then.

"What if I told you I would take you to that place no matter what? That even if I dragged you kicking and screaming or holding you over my shoulder, I would take you there?"

I pondered his question. "I might consider going, then."

As we were retreating towards the parking lot, I froze.

"Sirius! What am I going to do about work?"

"Relax, breathe and think. I don't think you've had a holiday in a long time. We can just go and take some holiday leave."

I nodded, berating myself for not thinking of such a simple solution.

At the counter, Rosa was gazing rapturously at Sirius as I filled out the necessary forms. He, in turn, was smirking right back at her. I rolled my eyes. Even after all these years, Sirius still had that effect on women. His good looks had probably become even better. Subconsciously, I wondered if James was the same, then told myself not to wander into territory sure to make my heart ache.

Sirius eyed his watch.

"Hey, Lily. We've still got a bit of time. Do you want to grab a coffee or something?"

I considered for a mere second before assenting, leaving a love struck Rosa in our wake. Poor, unfortunate girl.

Sirius led me to the parking lot and I suddenly stopped.

"What?" he asked, curiosity glinting in his eyes.

"You don't happen to own a silver motorcycle, do you?"

**AN: There, another chapter. I'm getting worn out. That's four new replacement chapters back-to-back. My shoulder is killing me from all this typing and I need to pee. If I don't get some damn good reviews I may well consider smashing my laptop and cancelling my account. Just kidding (kind of).**


	5. Of Coffee and Flashbacks

Chapter Five:

We sipped coffee in a small café.

The rain was pouring outside.

"Hey, don't look so worried. It will all be fine!"

I didn't look up, merely swirling my flat white around and around. A dripping image reflected back at me.

I disliked what I saw.

"Lily? Lily?"

Sirius jolted me back to reality.

I gave a wry smile.

"Yeah, sure."

He sighed.

"Lily, really, there is nothing to worry about. You'll be fine. I promise it's not dangerous."

Little did he know that danger was the last thing on my mind. I had sauntered back into the lingering past. A pastime of mine that I should really stop.

_Flashback_

"_Lily! Come here! You're soaking!"_

_I glanced up. _

_James was grinning at me and pointing towards a dimly lit café._

"_Okay."_

_He smiled. "Don't get all sick on me! I can't tolerate sick girls. All the blowing of noses and weepy eyes are just too much."_

_I laughed. He could always make me laugh._

_We strode into the café. It was very quaint and oddly decorated. A barmaid was vacantly wiping the empty tables._

"_Hello?"_

_She snapped around, limp grey hair twirled under her chin._

"_We're closed."_

_I frowned. Her voice was flat and stretched. She seemed tired even though there was not a single customer inside._

"_All right. Sorry to bother you."_

_I turned to leave when I felt James tug at my sleeve._

"_What do you mean you're closed? I don't see a sign?"_

_The girl glanced up._

"_Who the hell do you think you are?"_

_James' expression didn't change a bit._

"_James?"_

_He looked around at me._

"_Yeah, Lily?"_

"_Let's just go…"_

_He looked outraged._

"_Look here, it's pouring outside and even if you want to get sick and cold, I don't want to. So just let me handle this."_

_I bit my lip. I was always soft. Soft on nearly everything. Even Snape insulted me day after day after day, I still couldn't bring myself to stop defending him. He had been my friend once, after all. James was stubborn and strong. He gave off an aura of reliance and comfort. I always felt safe with him. I gave in to anything while he was the one who caught me when I fell._

_I watched the girl and James battle it out. She was putting up a good fight considering she was fighting James Potter. I felt a little sorry for her when James angrily thumped the table and alarmed the girl. She hastily nodded her head and scurried off, defeated._

"_There you go, Lily! We can stay in here until this damn storm stops!"_

_I smiled weakly. To tell the truth, I would have rather avoided all this and scampered off to Hogwarts and get sick. James would never have any of that. When he wanted something, he got it. No matter how hard you tried to convince him, he always stood his ground. It could be rather unnerving._

_End Flashback_

"Lily? Lily? Hello? Are you feeling okay?"

I shook my head to clear it and smiled at Sirius. He was waving his hand in front of my face, showing an air of concern and staring at me.

"Sorry. Flashback."

He looked curious.

"What about"

"Oh, nothing in particular."

It seemed so long ago. I wished I could just reach out and grab it. I think my leaving broke James'. Hopefully, he was still the same old James. I don't think he could ever lose his James-ness. But if I broke him, I broke myself a hundred times more.

Sirius stood up to leave and I blinked back my tears before following.

It wouldn't do to cry so much.

**AN: I didn't really rewrite it… just sort of edited it here and there. The chapters are still short and I apologize. Just review and put me out of my misery, please. **


	6. Take Me Home

Chapter Six:

Sirius and I took the express to Hogwarts. The train brought back a lot of memories. I remembered when I first met my gorgeous friends. I remembered my first taste of pumpkin juice. I remembered so much.

Sirius didn't disturb me. I think he understood that I was feeling sad. My whole life story was planned out, now he had just came and uprooted it all. I wanted to stay at my job and work there until I retired.

Now I didn't now what would happen.

The seats were slightly cracked. It looked well-loved instead of old. You could never use 'old' for the Hogwarts Express. It was filled with so many memories while 'old' made you feel disgusted and gross.

I leant back and closed my eyes. The smell expanded in my mind and I enjoyed the flickers of shadows dancing outside my eyelids.

I didn't know when I had dozed off. All I knew was that Sirius had scared me by lightly touching his hand on my shoulder.

"Lily, we're here."

I sat up groggily, blinking the world back into focus. It was dark outside and my arms were coated with a layer of goose bumps.

I followed Sirius off the train and gasped. Hogwarts never failed to astound me. It was as grand and majestic as ever. The tall towers loomed over me and I couldn't look away. The sight still dazzled me.

Sirius laughed at the incredulous expression plastered all over my face. "Come on. It's already getting late." I nodded and followed him in a dazed stupor.

We approached the headmaster's office (well, the gargoyle to be more exact) and Sirius announced, "Toffee Apples!" I quirked an eyebrow and he just shrugged, smiling.

We stepped into the revolving patch of circle and we soon found ourselves in front of a large oak door. I gazed on, then seemed to finally realise where I was.

I reeled back, but Sirius grabbed my wrist and knocked on the door. The door swung open and I looked away. I wasn't brave enough to face what was inside. It was as if I was Pandora and the room was my box.

Sirius pushed me inside and I saw (to my surprise) some people I thought I would never see again. There were Alice and Frank Longbottom. They looked just as cheerful and cozy as I remembered them.

Then there was Remus slumped in a chair. He had grown thin and shabby. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was okay.

Two smiling faces told me that my two best friends were here. Jenny waved a little, her short albino hair grazing her shoulders. Evelyn looked even more gorgeous than I had remembered her. Her features were dark and entrancing. She smiled and took a step forward as if she wanted to walk over but didn't know if she could.

There were a few other people standing in the room, but before I could identify them properly, my eyes swiveled to a face. It was a face I thought I had left behind. It was a face that I had dreamed about for countless times.

It was James Potter.

He eyed me warily behind his glasses and turned away. I looked down. The moment was too full for me. I couldn't register what was happening.

Fortunately, Professor Dumbledore clapped his hands and everyone automatically turned towards him. It was so funny that so many people could fit into his tiny office.

I didn't laugh. It didn't seem right to laugh.

Professor Dumbledore smiled and said, "Welcome. It has been so long since we have all gathered again. Today I wish to bring to light some changes in our world. It is dark and dangerous. I'm sure you've all heard of Lord Voldemort?"

I shivered and edged towards the door. I was tired and I wanted to sleep. The office was warm and comfortable.

Sirius guided me towards a spare stool. I hunched there trying to pay attention.

"… and so, dear friends, I have selected you, the brave and unfortunate, to join the Order of the Phoenix. This is a difficult journey to embark upon and I do not press you. If you do not wish to join, you may leave now. There is no pressure at all."

A short woman and a pudgy looking man promptly exited.

I felt terrible. I just wanted to sleep. Suddenly, my head made sharp contact with the floor and I had to blink back tears.

Sirius helped me up.

I couldn't look at James.

Evelyn rushed towards me and Jenny walked in her usual shy, dignified manner. I yawned again and looked in embarrassment towards the headmaster.

He smiled.

"Those of you that remain, I can assure you that I will try to protect you with my utmost power. It is late now. Please, feel free to stay at Hogwarts tonight."

Many people nodded while others whisked out broom and advanced towards a window.

Finally everyone had left except for Sirius, Evelyn, Remus, Jenny, James, the Headmaster and I.

Professor Dumbledore smiled. "I have some patrolling to do. I'll leave you to catch up." Then he left.

James still didn't look at me.

Remus smiled and got up. "Good to see you Lily." I smiled and surprised everyone (myself included) by giving him a hug.

"Hey! What about me?" cried Evelyn, flinging her arms around me. Jenny followed, looking like she was going to burst into tears.

Sirius laughed. "When she first saw me, she thought she was about to die and accused me of traumatizing her!" Everyone laughed. I chuckled and slumped against the wall.

James coughed. "I'd better be going."

Sirius frowned and Remus frowned and Evelyn frowned. Jenny looked down.

I smiled and murmured, "It's good to see you, James."

He didn't answer, but just left.

I took a deep breath and smiled some more. My face was beginning to ache.

"I have some important documents to attend to. Please excuse me." Then I rushed out the door, wet tears springing on my face.

Sirius caught up with me. "Lily, do you even know how to get home?" Thinking for a while, I shook my head. He smiled just as Remus, Evelyn and Jenny appeared. "Let's take her home, together" proposed Evelyn.

Remus shook his head sadly. "Sorry, I can't. I've got to do something important. I'll see you around!" I waved goodbye and he was gone.

Sirius patted my shoulder. I understood. He left as well.

"Well! It's a girls' night out, eh?" cried Evelyn. Jenny grinned. "Come on. Let's take you home" Evelyn said again. They supported me down to the express.

I was half asleep. All I remembered was the doors sliding shut as the light dimmed around me.

**AN: More editing, more reviews, blah blah blah. Man, I'm so tired. I can't feel my right foot. See how dedicated I am?**


	7. Look At Me

Chapter Seven:

I wasn't supposed to fall asleep.

Let me rephrase that… I wasn't supposed to fall asleep on the Hogwart's Express. When I woke up, my two friends were looking extremely concerned and Evelyn promptly informed me that she was debating with herself whether or not she should slap me across the face.

Apparently, I looked unconscious.

But it was alright. My wonderful friends dragged me up to my room (I remember I somehow managed to give out instructions) after a disastrous taxi ride and some screaming done by Evelyn (Jenny calmed things down). I was feeling like I was going to pass out. This tiredness brought me back to the days where I would stay up all night revising for my exams. With James.

No! Why did I think of him? Erase his face, his hugs, his cheeky grins…

What am I talking about?

At this point, I am rubbing my face in an attempt to pacify my thoughts and grab some sort of grip onto the world. Jenny is bustling around in the kitchen making some hot chocolate, and Evelyn has started running the bath for me. God, it was good having friends…

A few mugs of hot chocolate and a bath later, I was more than ready for bed. "Mind if we sleep here tonight?" Evelyn asked. That really didn't deserve an answer. She was practically lying on the couch anymore. I missed her craziness and bluntness and straightforwardness. Jenny, on the other hand, looked embarrassed and asked me repeatedly if they were intruding. I missed that too. She was so shy and honest and true. What did I have? I felt a stab in my stomach as I pondered this question. What did I have? What traits did I own that would make me missable? Curious and slightly desperate, I asked my friends.

Jenny sat on the mattress beside me and smiled. "Lily! How can you even say that? Everything about you is missable! Your laugh, your smile, the way you help out your friends no matter what you're doing. You are so loyal. You would go to the world's end and back for us! You cherish us and that is more than enough! Don't ever think about silly questions like that again!"

Evelyn laughed her twinkly laugh. She jumped off the couch and crawled onto the bed to join us. "Jen's right, you know. Your worth cannot be simply measured in words, Lily. They are not enough to describe the kind of person you are!" At these words, I began bawling my eyes out. Let me just say that tiredness and crying is not a good combination. It just makes you feel bloated and swollen. Ugh! But my friends sat on either side of me while I was sniffling away like a three-year-old and they handed me tissues so I could wipe off the disgusting snot smeared all over my face.

Slowly, we ran out of energy and fell asleep. The next morning was bright and whistling with anticipation. I yawned and looked sleepily to my right. Evelyn was the epitome of beauty. Honestly, it would make me so pissed if God had granted her looks to anyone else. She was like a model in a fake slumber. Her mouth was closed and no drool and neat clothes and everything! So unfair! Then I looked to the left. Jenny looked like such a perfect angel. Her soft blonde hair fanned out in a halo around her head and her mouth quivered slightly as she breathed. She was screaming _hug me_! Like a little baby doll, she was so cute and lovely you were almost afraid to touch her.

BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! The sound of the alarm interrupted my musings. Who had set it? What time was it? My previous cool demeanour was devoured by panic. My friends warily sat up as I leapt off the bed the check the time. Damn! I had half an hour to get ready for my job. How was I supposed to grab a shower, have breakfast, perform my daily hygiene AND get there in half an hour? I was freaking out.

As I scampered around the room like a mad chicken, my friends eyed me with interest and… humour? How dare they? They were giggling! This was a catastrophe and they are laughing! I stopped my dashing and slung my hands on my hips. "What is so funny?"

"You! You can't go to work anyway! We have to go back to Hogwarts to meet Professor Dumbledore again! You'll have to take the day off! Hahahaha!"

I stopped short. Oh. I had forgotten. Jenny and Evelyn were a screeching mess as I tossed my clothes onto the floor and sank into an armchair, starting to see the funny side of the situation. Ha! I needed to calm down more. All I needed to focus on right now was making a call to the office, getting ready to catch up with my old friends, and facing the meeting with Professor Dumbledore.

Wait.

Catch up.

Old friends.

Meeting.

I would definitely place James Potter in that category. At the thought of him, my blood ran cold again. I moaned miserably and curled into a tiny ball, wondering why God was so cruel.

Jenny immediately stopped laughing and jumped over to me, asking me what was wrong. "J-J-James Potter!" I answered. Jenny rubbed soothing circles on my back and assured me that it wasn't going to be so bad, how I had to face him sooner or later, and that she and Evelyn would be there with me every step of the way. I stopped my pathetic sobbing and allowed Evelyn to push me into the shower.

Why did I have to constantly be reminded of how awesome it was to have friends?

After a shower, breakfast, makeup and last minute check up that everything was in order, we trooped off towards the station. This was fun. I could do this! I really could! We chatted like fifteen-year-olds on the train, talking about the bits of our lives that we had missed. It was a happy feeling. I didn't mean to be mushy, but it was really one of the happiest feelings in my life. Life's joys can be simple.

All too soon, we pulled in and hopped out. The castle seemed even more spectacular now that I wasn't so tired and it was daylight. We tiptoed in, afraid to disturb its peace. There was the gargoyle again. "Toffee Apples!" We were in. This was going a bit too fast. My mind hadn't processed everything before I found myself in Professor Dumbledore's office again. Overwhelmed, Jenny pulled me over and Evelyn sat me down. I felt like a baby that needed taking care of every second.

Slowly adjusting to my surroundings, I realized Sirius was talking to me. "Lils! You looked pretty trashed last night! You're not secretly on drugs, are you?" Same old Sirius. With a disdainful glance, I replied, "How would a being with such a low IQ even begin to understand such matters?"

Remus, Evelyn and Jenny burst into laughter while Sirius looked a bit confused. That's what happens when you're not born with SOME interaction with muggles. You won't even know what IQ stands for. Ha! Shame. It was amidst the laughter that I noticed him again; the man who had haunted my life for so long. He was looking down and fiddling with his robes. I wanted to talk to him so badly. He looked up at met my eyes briefly before glancing down again. Was he afraid of me?

Suddenly the door swung open and Professor Dumbledore appeared. "Welcome again! I'm glad to see most of the faces I saw last night!" For the rest, I didn't really concentrate. What was wrong with me? I couldn't think and I couldn't focus. Before I knew it, Professor Dumbledore had nodded and stalked out. Panicking again, I grabbed Evelyn and Jenny. "What did he say?"

They raised their eyebrows at me. "You weren't listening?" asked Jenny in disbelief. Then, Evelyn prodded her and nodded towards James' direction. They smirked knowingly. I felt so embarrassed. I WASN'T LOOKING AT HIM! Just thinking about him… for the past few pathetic years of my miserable existence.

"Tell you what. Let's go down to Hogsmeade for some Butterbeer and we'll fill you in." I was so grateful. That sounded good. But then SIRIUS just had to ruin it all. "Are you going down to Hogsmeade? Ooh! Can we come too? Remmy and I?" Remus didn't look too happy at being called Remmy. "Sure, the more the merrier!" chimed Jenny. Always the ray of sunshine. "Come to think of it, James-old boy! You haven't had any decent social interaction for ages! Why don't you come along, eh?" Sirius was pushing it. James would say no, anyway.

We all looked towards him. He was slouched in a chair. He looked up and saw up gazing expectantly (except for me. I begging him to refuse). "I don't think…" Good, James was going to decline! "Nonsense! Come on! I won't take no for an answer!" Damn you, Sirius. There would be hell to pay later. Sirius then grabbed James and shoved him along.

The six of us gradually made our way to Hogsmeade.

**AN: I must confess. I don't even remember the last time I updated anything! This was my first fanfic and holds sentimental value. I loved this chapter. If you do (or don't) please flick me a review and tell me what you think! I really just need more time to write down the fantastic ideas I have for this story. This story holds a lot of potential at the moment! Review!**


	8. Facing Myself

Chapter Eight:

It was a nice day.

This is how all stories start. It was a nice day. Unfortunately, my feelings didn't seem to match the weather. I mean, come on. I have been obsessing over my gorgeous boyfriend that I _left_ many years ago. Then, he just wanders into my life again out of nowhere. I'm really supposed to just accept that? According to everyone else's behaviour, **yes**.

It was too bad. If I wasn't too busy thinking about the man striding along next to me, I could have had a really good time. It was nice to talk with people who shared many of the same experiences as me. They gave a different perspective on things. Musing to myself, I let the others walk before me. They had none of it. "Lily! Hurry up! You're straggling behind!" Why did Evelyn have to be so perceptive? I was actually in the middle of wondering if I walked slower and slower, I might have a chance of bolting away. I was a coward. You didn't need to tell me that. I was scared. I didn't want to face up to my past. It was too painful. But seeing as my painful past was walking three steps away from me, it seemed very likely I would have to face up to it.

THE HORROR!

Okay, I just allowed myself to enjoy a small moment of immaturity. Now it was the hard bit… acting like an adult.

We arrived at the Three Broomsticks and Sirius ushered us in. I felt like a cow. Jenny looked slightly confused. Poor her. She probably forgot all about Sirius' craziness after all these years. I just tried to calm myself down. It was an enormous failure. We sank into the seats and a beautiful young barmaid drifted over towards us. "Hello! I'm Rosmerta! What would you like today?" At this point, I think Sirius was overflowing with excitement. But, hey! Rosmerta was pretty hot. I didn't blame him. It was just, at that point, I had enough on my plate to notice such trivial things.

Hmm… but I must say, Evelyn acted a bit strange. She sort of sank back and all her vibrancy and color sort of tottered away. She was a bit gloomy and muffled. It's hard to explain.

As luck would have it, I ended up being seated directly opposite _him_. You got it, James Potter. It was hard enough being near him. Every time I looked up, I would meet his piercing gaze. It made me extremely uncomfortable. But Jenny was engaged in a lively conversation with Remus, Sirius was flirting with Rosmerta, and Evelyn was drinking **way** too much. I attempted to stop her on several occasions, but just rising my eye level meant feasting my sight on Mr. Potter. It was more than enough to stop me in my tracks and sink back into my chair.

In the end, Evelyn ended up very, very drunk. She started sobbing uncontrollably and as her best friends, Jenny and I took turns comforting her and listening to her rant about her lousy ex-boyfriends. Poor disturbed girl. But it was nice (as wrong as it was) to have something to do. Although the boys were talking amongst themselves (well, James _sort of_ contributed a 'Yes' or 'No' every now and then), they would look at a hysterical Evelyn. As more customers filtered out the door and shot deathly glares at us, we took the hint and supported a tumbling Evelyn towards the exit.

She sort of became slightly unconscious by then and Sirius half carried, half dragged her outside. Rosmerta looked quite pleased that we were going. By then, I knew what Professor Dumbledore had been talking about. He wanted to form an elite group of highly-trained witches and wizards to battle against the fast rising force of Lord Voldemort. I felt quite selfish. Here I was, worrying about my own pathetic life when so many people were suffering and dying. Professor Dumbledore's message startled me and brought me back to the world as a whole. For a few moments then, I forgot about my own troubles. It was wonderful (the fact that I managed to forget about _him_, not that because many people were suffering and dying).

Although we had left the Three Broomsticks, we hadn't seemed to be done talking, so Sirius volunteered that we all troop over to my apartment (just like yesterday). Of course, Jenny and Remus thought it was a good idea and I was outnumbered. James just kind of stood there looking handsome and bored. Or was it sadness? The moonlight made it hard to tell. We ended up going to the apartment anyway (even James). I thanked God that my apartment was **always** clean and mess-free.

Sirius carefully placed a sleeping Evelyn onto the couch (she looked gorgeous even when she was drunk) and sat down beside her. I motioned for them to have a seat and threw myself at the kitchen door to escape. I couldn't take it anymore. James Potter's presence was too much to handle. It was unreal. I was actually talking to people I never thought I would see again and James Potter was sitting there in my apartment. I slowly trembled to the vinyl tiles and allowed myself to cry a little.

I was a little heartbroken, a little empty, a little lonely, a lot sad. It seemed as though I had lost so much and I was given a chance to recover it. But I just didn't have the courage to face it all. I didn't have the nerve to ask James for his forgiveness. I was scared of what might happen. I had been selfish and small, and it was hard to even forgive myself for leaving him so cruelly. There on the floor, I cowered in my existence and hated myself. It made me feel relieved and perversely happy. At least I had taken one step towards redemption.

As I was feeling sorry for myself, the kitchen door swung open. There were footsteps approaching me. I didn't have enough energy to see who it was. I figured it would be Jenny or Evelyn anyway. "Er… Lily?" I froze. That voice was male. And it wasn't Remus or Sirius. Do the math. There are six people in the apartment today. Now, minus me. As the voice is male, minus Evelyn and Jenny. It's also not Remus or Sirius so minus them also. I am left with one person.

I finally looked up. There he was with all his glory. I saw him properly for the first time that day. I knew he was there, but I just sort of gazed at him for half a second, then turned away quickly. Now, I sat there and just took in his hazel eyes, his untidy hair, his expression. Oh, how I had missed him.

"Lily, you were gone for a while and they just sent me to see if you were all right."

Damn it. Say something, Lily! You are acting like such an idiot.

"I… um… Yeah. I'm good."

He looked at me strangely. "You seemed a bit upset."

Oh, you mean I was blowing snot and tears all over my kitchen floor. That's really normal for me. I do that all the time. Yeah. So don't worry, James! I'm perfectly fine! I was just weeping my poor, shredded heart out because I left you when I still loved you and now that you've come back, I feel sadder than ever!

But, of course I didn't say that. I just looked at him for a while, then turned around and nodded. Hopefully, he would take that as a signal that he could leave. He didn't. Instead, he sat down beside me. Why couldn't he just leave me along with my thoughts? "Look, Lily. We have a lot of things we need to talk about. I know that seeing each other again so suddenly is rather awkward. I also wish that I had a bit more warning. But you can't just pretend that our problems aren't there. You can't avoid me. You have to brave the truth you left behind some time."

I couldn't look at him. He was right. He always was. But why did it have to be me that was always wrong? I just wanted things my way for a day. Was that too much to ask? James was looking at me. I could feel his eyes stinging me hair. I sighed stood up. I needed to avoid him for just a little more. "I'm going to put my bag away. I'll be down shortly." Nodding curtly, I swiveled around and fled through the door. Jenny started and Evelyn groaned. Remus and Sirius were in the midst of turning around to face me when I rushed out to my bedroom. I needed to stop and think. This was too much for one day.

As I sat on my bed and looked at the pale moon dangling by my window, I thought, _am I running away from James, or myself?_

**AN: Well, that's another chapter! I really need to update more often. It's the holidays right now, so I think I might have more time to do my fanfiction. Review!**


	9. Celebrating Heartbreak

Chapter Nine:

It had been a hectic couple of days.

In these couple of days, I had felt like crying… a lot.

Today, my holiday leave was ending and I was ready to go back to being rational, good Lily. The Lily that did her job well, received praise and respect from her colleagues, and felt happy. Well, actually, there are few instances where that Lily felt happy. As I was sinking back into my misery, my phone rang. Jolted out of my thoughts, I turned to answer it.

"LILY! LILY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?"

I winced. My ear would never be the same again. Holding the phone at arm's length, I shouted, "Yes Sirius! I can hear you! Please don't yell so loudly."

There was an angry tussle through the phone, and I gingerly placed the phone back onto my ear when I heard Evelyn's joyful voice talking (in a normal volume, thank God).

"Lily? Lily? I'm so sorry about that. I thought Sirius was ready to use a telephone. Obviously I was wrong."

I smiled. "Why are you calling anyway, Evelyn?"

"It's been so long since we've all seen each other. We lost contact and I'm so glad that now we're all together again. How about celebration drinks at my place?"

"I have work, Evie."

"I know that, you ninny. I meant after work."

"Well, I guess I could do that. You'd better give me your address again."

Evelyn did that happily after screeching to Sirius that I had accepted their invitation. Needless to say, I had to quickly pull the phone away from my ear again. I swear they are on a mission to deafen me.

At work, some colleagues asked me whether or not my holiday was nice. I smiled nicely like the nice person I am and nicely told them yes, my holiday was… nice.

Well, everybody's definition of nice is different.

My definition just happened to include running into the ex-boyfriend I had exchanged for money and that haunted my thoughts everyday. Did I mention that he hates me and completely wants nothing to do with me? Oh, and I am totally and utterly still in love with him?.

Yes, very _nice_ holiday indeed.

Although my daily routine is very boring, today seemed especially so. Maybe it was the mound of paperwork I had to grind my way through after my absence. Maybe it was the constant distraction of James flashbacks and more wallowing. Maybe it was the fact that I was so eager to see my friends again after work that I couldn't concentrate properly.

Cut me some slack. I hadn't had some proper social interaction in a while.

So, I waited for my work to end before signing out and dashing to the address Evelyn had given me and before I knew it, knocking on the polished silver door to her apartment. May I mention that while my apartment was spotless and clean, it was also old and in desperate need of a re-paint.

Evelyn's apartment, however, was modern, new, smelling beautiful and also clean.

Again, I must ask why God gives more to some people. _Much more_.

After excited hugs from Evelyn and Jenny, I settled in with a large tumbler of Sauvignon Blanc in my hand. We chatted and gossiped and reverted back to our sixteen year old selves. Suddenly, there was another pounding on the front door.

"Oh! That must be the boys!"

The boys?

Then, it registered to me that Sirius had started off the call to invite me to this "drinking party". The boys were probably the Marauders.

Which unfortunately included James.

I was considering doing a very thrilling escape of flinging myself out the window and climbing down a pipe, but decided against it.

First of all, the window was approximately 20 centimeters by 30 centimeters. I couldn't imagine fitting through that without a lot of pain. Secondly, I wasn't really all that sure that the window was located right next to a pipe. Thirdly, my thoughts were rudely interrupted by Evelyn yanking open the door and being run down by the group of Marauders. Sirius was quite eager to give everyone a hug. I suspected he already had a few drinks before he came.

I lounged on the couch, trying to blend in with my surroundings.

_Stay still and they'll never see you. Stay still and they'll never see you. Stay still and-_

"Lily?"

_Damn._

"Oh, hello! I forgot you four were coming too. Peter, it's been such a long time! How wonderful to see you again!"

I exchanged polite pleasantries with them, carefully avoiding a Mr. Potter standing awkwardly in the doorway.

Through the "drinking party", I managed to sink into the couch and sip glass after glass whilst the rest of them conversed. I didn't mind. My only friend was the bottle. After a while, I decided the glass was too small to contain my thirst, so I snuck away to the kitchen with a whole bottle of brand new champagne. It was cheap stuff, so I didn't think Evelyn would mind if I had it all.

I was steadily chugging my way through the bottle when the kitchen door opened.

It was Jenny.

By this time, I was feeling giddy and delightfully drunk. I giggled and wrapped my arms around her neck. "Jenny! My best friend! Come join me! The champagne and I are having a lovely time!"

Jenny frowned at me. "Lily, are you okay? You seem a little upset."

"Upset?" I scoffed, waving a floppy hand in her general direction and nearly hitting her on the nose. "I'm not upset."

"Yes, you are. Is it because James is here? You know, I never really understood what happened at the time. You just took off and left James. You left all of us! All these years and no letters, no calls, no contact at all! Where did you go, Lily? Why did you go?"

Listening to Jenny's soothing voice finally drew out all the tears I had been chewing down for the past few days. I sobbed uncontrollably on her shoulder, the ache engulfing my small, lonely heart.

"It wasn't my fault! Jenny, you have to believe me! It wasn't my fault! I didn't want to go! But I had to! I had to!"

Jenny patted my shoulder comfortingly. She didn't seem to mind that I was pouring my tears and saliva all over her expensive looking Chanel silk shirt.

"I know I hurt you all, especially James. But I had to leave! His mother, she gave me money. I had to go! I had to leave! I took the money, Jenny! It was the condition!"

Suddenly, a wine glass smashed onto the kitchen's linoleum tiles. Jenny and I looked towards the source of the noise. I nearly fainted.

It was James.

He was looking like he was carefully controlling his rage. Stepping around the crinkled glass mess, he said to Jenny, "I'd like a few words with Lily, if you don't mind."

Jenny was about to say something before James' glare stopped her. Defeated, she trudged outside, casting worried glances back at me.

I knew I was in big trouble.

"So, that's it, huh? Lily? Money?! You left me because my fucking mother offered you some fucking money? How much did she pay you? How much did she fucking pay you? ANSWER ME, GOD DAMN IT!"

I was hiccupping like crazy, thinking this was not happening and my sweet James couldn't possibly be shouting at me like this and it was a bad dream.

"Lily, you disgust me."

James said this quietly and those simple words were filled with so much hate that I realized he would never forgive me. In a last desperate attempt to gather my dignity, I pushed past him and ran out.

In a blur of white, I seemingly grabbed my coat and bag. I think I heard the muffled cries of my friends who were demanding to know why I was so upset. I ignored them and kept on running: out the door, down the stairs, into the street.

I didn't stop until I hailed a taxi and swooped inside; feeling like my chest would burst.

It was all over. The forgiveness I imagined would never happen.

James would never forgive me.

**AN: In spite of how long it's been since I started this fanfic (four years now), I still really love it. This was my very first story. I've updated! I thought it was pretty good (but a little short). Maybe that's just me having a big head. So review (as per usual) and tell me how great or crap it was. Reviews make me update!**


	10. Farewell, My Rationality

Chapter Ten:

Crying is so exhausting.

That was one of many things I had learnt in the short time I had met James again.

Like a zombie, I paid my fare then crawled pitifully into my apartment to weep away the sorrows. It was irrational Lily again, but I didn't want to keep track anymore. The slightest of movements were tiring.

My bed beckoned to me and I gratefully flung myself onto it, the tears already seeping out from under my eyelids. I hadn't bothered turning on the lights or drawing my curtains, so a sliver of moonlight collapsed across my bed. I snuggled into the covers, feeling the hammering of my dying heart and the tightening in my stomach. I didn't feel alive. Being alive shouldn't be so painful.

In a trance, I slept away the night, a dreamless slumber overtaking my suffering mentality.

The morning had to come sometime, and I woke with a gasp, feeling desperately around for my alarm clock.

I was going to be late.

Gathering up my sadness and heaving it out of my mind for now, I scrambled for suitable attire and spent five minutes attempting to hide the swollen redness of my eyes with make up. It seemed to work.

I had three minutes to spare when I flew into the Ministry, my hair swinging wildly behind. People stared at me and some rude girl giggled. I straightened and composed myself, willing rational Lily to enter me once more. I was at work now. This was my domain. I could do it.

Curtly, I nodded to those I knew, fearing to speak should a waver betray my insecurity. The walk to my office was one of the longest I had ever taken. True, this was the first time in my whole career that I was looking like this and nearly late. I suppose people had suspicions, but I chose to ignore them.

I had had enough of suspicions and accusations to last me a lifetime.

At this, James' outraged words last night drifted back to me. I impatiently turned my back to it. Thinking about it more was bound to make me cry and ruin the carefully concealed eyes I had made up in the morning.

I was doing pretty well, until my secretary timidly knocked on my door, her frizzy brown hair sticking out from behind my door.

"Miss Evans? Some friends of yours for you…"

Friends?

My mind had barely enough time to comprehend her words before Evelyn threw open the door and stalked inside, a peaceful-looking Jenny gliding in after her. My poor secretary quickly scuttled out again at the sight of the two beautiful women. I couldn't blame her for feeling out-matched.

"Lily! Are you all right? Why did you go so quickly yesterday? I kept calling but no one answered. We were worried _sick_!"

Evelyn plonked herself onto a couch, stockinged feet dangling elegantly on the threadbare carpet. Jenny perched warily on the edge of my desk, her bright blue eyes burning a hole in my head.

I faked a laugh.

"Oh, I was just… a little overcome with emotion…"

"You're lying" whispered Jenny. "It's not hard to tell when you are."

Evelyn jumped up and walked over to sit on my desk as well.

"Did something happen between you and James?"

At the mention of his name, I hurriedly arranged some papers that didn't really need arranging. "Oh no, we're fine."

"Aha!" Evelyn pointed an accusing finger two inches away from my face. "I knew it! Something serious must have happened! I mean, you scrambled out so fast and looked so upset! Then James came with a face like thunder, muttered some lame excuse and left too! Tell me, what went wrong with you two?"

Jenny placed a hand on Evelyn's shoulder. "Evie, stop bombarding Lily. Can't you see she's on the verge of tears? Be more considerate, please!"

Evelyn had stopped her torrent of ramblings, but was chewing thoughtfully on a stray piece of her hair. "Lily, what actually happened all those years ago? It's all occurred so fast these couple of days… meeting you again, drinks, the Order. We never got around to asking you that question."

I avoided her gaze. The silence was suffocating me.

"Lily?" Jenny gazed even deeper into my forehead.

"I can't tell you."

Jenny sighed. "See, Evie, that's what I said she'd say. But you wouldn't listen to me and insisted on tromping down here yourself. Look at the state she's in! Why are we still doing this to her? I'm sure Lily has her reasons."

Another tear dribbled off my chin. I hastily wiped it away, forgetting about the thick layer of concealer I had applied earlier.

"Shit!" I reached for my bag and rummaged through.

This day just couldn't get any worse and it hadn't even started.

By now, I was crying hysterically again under the pretense of searching through my bag. Maybe they hadn't noticed?

Evelyn tenderly took one arm and Jenny took the other.

They noticed.

"Come on Lily, let's get you cleaned up."

And with that, they dragged a sobbing me out of my office.

If the looks I had received this morning were strange, then these looks were just foreign. I _never_ cried… ever. Overlooking the stares and whispers, my wonderful and absolutely angelic friends flanked me on both sides and frog-marched me out of the Ministry.

Absently, I considered what would happen to my job. Then, I decided, screw it! I needed to live a little. I shouldn't be rotting away in a tiny office, slaving away for what made me incredibly unhappy.

They led me to the same café Sirius had taken me to the day he "attacked" me. I crumbled into a chair and waited for the sobs to subside.

I really was crying too much lately.

We sat in silence, comfortable in the fact that we'd found each other again.

Then, Jenny reached across and took my hand.

"Lily, it's okay. You don't have to tell us if you don't want to."

I nodded miserably, certain I couldn't look like a bigger idiot.

Our coffees arrived and we sipped them slowly. There was no gossip, no chatter. We weren't awkward with one another, but they understood I needed some peace and quiet.

I needed to be left alone.

After an age, after my sadness had gone back to sleep and my friends had made sure I was all right, we parted with endless hugs and promises of phone-calls.

I found that I had no desire to return to the disgusting place I called my office, and instead wandered around until I reached a local park. There was an ice cream van there.

Running purely on spontaneity (maybe Evelyn was rubbing off on me) I marched over and ordered a banana caramel frost cup. The man smiled at me, and I smiled bravely back.

Later, I took my frost cup and meandered to a bench, sinking down on it and admiring the leaves fluttering in piles, treating myself to a calm atmosphere.

I thought about all the sadness and pain and heartbreak I had endured. I thought of James' angry face when he confronted me. I thought of how much more ache this would bring me.

Slowly, I finished my frost cup. It tasted better than anything I had eaten in a long time.

I realized the only way to put me out of my misery was to face it and conquer it.

James and I may never be able to return to the happiness we once shared, but we could try to move on and maybe (just maybe) try to be friends.

And at that moment I made up my mind to make James forgive me.

**AN: Wow! I cannot believe how fast I updated! But an idea's an idea and I just had to write it down. Anybody wonder how Lily's going to make James forgive her? It'll be interesting, anyway. Review and I'll update again! Hint, hint.**


	11. Remember to Tread Carefully

Chapter Eleven:

"Lily Evans! This is utterly unlike you! Do realize how irresponsible your behavior…"

My mind wandered around, not focusing at all on the monotonous droning of the lecturer.

After my little excursion, I had reluctantly returned to the Ministry with a strong heart and bored mind. I had already decided to quit my job (that was, if I didn't get fired) so felt no qualms about my current situation.

"Miss Evans! Are you even listening to me?"

I faced him quickly.

"Yes, sir."

"Now Lily, we must be reasonable. There are many people desperate to take your place. Considering this is only your first offence (you do have a very spotless record), we shall just give you a warning…"

"Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if I said I was going to resign?"

He stopped short and blinked at me in surprise. I felt a perverted joy at watching his discomfort. Obviously such a thing had never happened before.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said, would you mind if I said I was going to resign?"

He spluttered. "But- but Miss Evans! I'm giving you a chance to redeem yourself!"

"Well, I don't want that chance. I'm sure there's many more people 'desperate to take my place'."

And I walked away leaving him shocked and gaping in the musty hole of an office.

That felt good.

Like, really good!

Slowly, I felt my old strength return. This was a strength I hadn't felt since my Hogwarts days. This was the strength that had been lost ever since I left James. My strength was overpowering and I danced, drunk on the power.

I raced to my office and hurriedly grabbed my belongings before shoving them into a large cardboard box. It was time to leave.

My spontaneity was on high and I rode every wave, knowing that once the high was over I would regret it immensely. I'd better enjoy it while I could.

People's eyes burned into my hair, but I stalked onwards, proud of myself for the first time in a long while. I had lived too long skulking around in shadows, diverting attention away, feeling sorry and sad and pathetic, regretting.

There had been far too much regret.

And with a cheerful salute to a stray worker, I left the Ministry… for good.

The crisp air outside once again reminded me that I was free. It also knocked some sense into me.

For a moment, I was tempted to hurtle back inside, beg for forgiveness, and collapse back into the boring routine that veiled me like a safety net.

Instead, I squared my shoulders and walked confidently towards the nearest park bench. I withdrew a cell phone from my coat pocket. I dialed Evelyn's work number.

"Lily? Lily? Where are you?"

I cried into the phone for an answer, my need for comfort encompassing my mortification.

Before I knew it, my two friends had magically reappeared once more. They were like fairies, so bright and fair were they. They smothered me with affection and hugs. I leant into their warm smell, fearing to lose my soul in my downpour of tears.

After an age, I sobbed out my sorry tale. They barely glanced at each other before bursting out in laughter. I glared at them reproachfully.

"What?" Could they not see the distress I was suffering?

Jenny patted my shoulder. "Lily, it's just, you despise your job and yet you're still considering if you made the correct choice or not. It's quite funny!"

I sniffed. "I think your spontaneity jumped onto me, Evy."

She smiled. "Lily, dear. Sometimes spontaneity is a good thing."

They couldn't sit there with me forever. THEY had jobs to go back to. With promises of meetings after work, I was left isolated once more. Deciding to get on with my life instead of feeling sorry for myself (like I had done so many times before), I hurried down Diagon Alley, intent on making myself have a good time.

HIRING.

The orange sign caught my eye.

Spontaneity can be a good thing, right?

Before long, I had convinced the shopkeeper that I was a literature expert. She hired me on the spot and I walked away with a new job, a new smile, and a new nametag. It was a good feeling to be spontaneous.

That was, until I saw James.

It was all very innocent, really. I was just strolling as pedestrians do, when his tousled brown hair appeared in front of me.

It gave me such a shock I actually squeaked. Like a mouse. Thankfully, no one heeded me.

He didn't notice me. I was glad. That way I could look and look and look and he wouldn't look back at all.

But he turned around.

Scratch no looking back.

His eyes searched mine for a probing moment. They were no longer filled with fury, just a dull rage and lots of pity.

I didn't want pity! The idea of anybody pitying incensed me. I felt the towering Lily of old rise and stamp her feet. I started towards James, intent on giving him a piece of my mind. That'll teach him to pity Lily Evans!

"Darling! Have you been waiting long?"

A silky voice purred distantly and I stilled.

There was a gorgeous female situated beside James. She had the loveliest face and the softest brown curls. Her hair was the same color as James'. Somewhere in my rational mind I realized they wouldn't be able to tell their hair apart when they were kissing. That pacified me a little for some unknown reason.

James shook his head at her, pointedly ignoring me.

My heart thudded painfully and my soul cried for him.

He didn't spare me a glance.

But, by God, I would make him forgive me, even if I had to shave my head bald and dance nude in the street (well, maybe not quite).

Beautiful girlfriend or no beautiful girlfriend, Lily Evans was not to be trifled with.

**AN: The chapter was a bit short, I know. But, be fair. It's 4am and I'm really tired. Sorry for not updating for a while. I wrote half of this chapter and forgot all about it. Oops.**


	12. Remnants of My Past Self

Chapter Twelve:

I've had many attempts at turning my life around.

And, okay, so most of them weren't successful, but attempting is better than ignoring. This time, though, I was absolutely certain that my life would no longer continue down the pathetic path of which it had been traveling for so long.

Seeing James looking so nice and un-pathetic with his gorgeous girlfriend was really the last straw. I determined to be happy, even if it killed me.

After our hasty and rather awkward collision at Diagon Alley, I felt so utterly belittled and ashamed that it was a miracle I didn't crawl back to my dusty flat and consume my weight in ice-cream. Fortunately, I regained some form of social etiquette and smiled before departing.

Actually, now that I think of it, why hasn't James and I run into each other before? The good looking bastard was probably avoiding me.

But no matter. After my humiliation left, I felt a strong anger come on. It was more than anger. It was fury and rage and utter loathing for what I had become. The worst part was that I knew only I was to blame (sort of). I promised myself (for real, this time) to start over and be the Lily Evans who had been missing in action for many a year. That thought cheered me up a lot more.

Fueled by my anger, I stomped off cheerfully, glaring at everything in defiance.

James was going to forgive me. I would make sure of that. When Lily Evans wants something, she will work her ass off until she gets it. And right now, I wanted to rip off his girlfriend's beautiful hair. But I restrained myself.

It was hard.

My plan to win James back started off with calling my trusty best friends and surprising them with the renewed vigor in my voice. We made a date to have drinks in the Three Broomsticks after their work. Before then, I decided to totally annihilate any remnants of my past self.

I started with my wardrobe.

But it was very depressing when, after I cleaned out any unsatisfactory articles, I discovered I was only left with a pair of knee high boots, a nice, crème Cashmere sweater, and a slim piece of silky fabric I wasn't sure was a belt or a scarf or a headband (maybe all three).

I decided to keep my clothing until I could go on a major shopping spree with the fashionable opinions of Jenny and Evelyn.

So, I headed to the kitchen, only to discover that I had no beer.

It was horrifying,

I then realized that as a mature and fully fledged woman, I had never allowed myself to go wild at a party.

Never.

That came as a bit of a shock.

At this moment, I scrambled for a notebook and a quill and started my list of things to do to have a successful and happy and carefree life.

_Things to do to have a successful and happy and carefree life:_

_Clean out boring clothes and buy interesting ones (don't trust own judgment. Look for Jenny or Evelyn)_

_Buy some beer and get drunk_

_Have a huge party_

_Get James to forgive me_

But in the end, I sighed and ripped up the page. It was useless and when written on paper, the list made me sound like a stupid sixteen year old hell bent on losing sight of everything important.

It was hard to take control of my own life.

Thankfully, at this time, I finally got to travel to the Three Broomsticks to congregate with my friends.

They attacked me with hugs when I stepped through the door.

"Guys! You're crushing me! I cannot breathe!"

No, I really could not breathe.

They released me reluctantly.

"So, Miss Evans. You sound a lot happier than when you just lost your job."

"Evelyn, I didn't _lose_ my job. I resigned. There is a huge difference."

"What are you going to do now, Lily?"

"Relax, Jenny. I got another job."

"Already?" My friends seemed surprised. It blew a hole in my ego.

"Why do you sound so surprised? Am I incapable of finding jobs?"

"We didn't say that. What's the job?"

I wrinkled my nose and sipped the Firewhiskey in front of me (this was the first time in four years that I had the strong stuff instead of Butterbeer. Upgrade!). Truth be told, it was dawning on me that working in a bookshop was not really that glamorous. I mean, Jenny's a healer and Evelyn is almost graduating the Auror system! With top marks!

I coughed and quietly muttered, "I'm working at a bookshop in Diagon Alley."

They raised their eyebrows. "What?"

I quickly repeated my answer. They stared at me for a moment or two.

"Lily, you're working in a bookstore?"

"Hey!" protested I, "It's you who said spontaneity was good!"

"Yeah, at times!"

"Well, it's better than being jobless!" I was past the point of dwelling too much on people's opinions. It was time to down my Firewhiskey and move on. Evelyn grinned at me in an extremely feline way. "Now that's the Lily we know. That's the Lily whose going to take the world by storm and rock her life out."

Was it a crime to feel pleased at myself? Because I did. Immensely.

"So, Lily, why were you so desperate for drinks? I am sure you have not suddenly developed a major alcohol craving."

Evelyn stirred her drink sensually. She could just stir a drink and every guy in the room would ogle her! Life was really rather unfair at times.

"Actually, other than informing my two best friends about my decision to restart my life and take control, I have decided that even if it takes me to Hell and back, I am going to make James forgive me."

Jenny smiled and patted my hand. "You're going to get back together with him? That's great!"

I hurriedly retreated. "No, no, Jenny. I didn't say get back together. I said make him forgive me. The sexual attraction is gone, the ship has sailed. There is nothing romantic between us. I just wish for something platonic. Like the friendship I have with the rest of the Marauders!"

Evelyn squinted at me suspiciously. "Are you sure? Because last I knew you were crying heavily and choking out some sad story about James and leaving him while you still loved him."

I said that? I don't even remember! I shook my head.

"I never said that, Evy. And I really do just want to make him forgive me. Besides, he has this really beautiful girlfriend…"

There was no more to be said. The silence queried it all.

Unconsciously, the two lovely girls forwent their drinks and settled down beside either side of me, grabbing a gentle hold of my arms. I felt a sniffle overpower my senses. There was another tear drifting close to the edge of my eyelashes. I cry too much.

Because really, I did love James. But I wasn't the type of girl to break up a relationship for what I wanted. They looked perfectly happy together and James didn't seem like he needed me very much. All I could hope for was a stop to awkward lulls whenever we met and maybe some decent social interaction instead of pauses. I needed to mend this hole before I could move on guiltlessly.

With all my might, I willed back my tear. There had been too much sadness.

I must be happy. I must be happy. I must be happy.

The rest of our time together passed companionably and we parted with promises of more meetings tomorrow. As we were about to go our separate ways, I turned around. My plan needed to take off.

"Jenny, Evy, let's invite the Marauders tomorrow too."

They looked at me. "All of them, Lily?" asked Jenny. I nodded.

"All of them."

-

**AN: I'm sorry for the huge gap in updating. I've been lazy and mildly depressed. But I hope this chapter conveyed more of "strong" Lily. I tried to write a hardier version on herself instead of the wilting, wispy form we've seen so much of in previous chapters. I look forward to the next chapter whereupon the first execution of 'having James forgive Lily' shall take action. Yay!**


	13. Hiccup in the Plan

Chapter Thirteen:

The scene was set.

I had been running around the wizarding part of London like a madwoman, purchasing items left and right. For what, you ask? (and, all right, so you didn't actually ask that) Well, I am going to host a party! No, seriously. I am not going to force myself into James' unwilling heart, but I will make us friends again. I remember before we dated, there was a time when we were friends. That was somewhere between his crazy pursuits of me and then eating each other's tongues (which was so _incredibly_ sexual!). That is the time I want to return to.

With my limited income (I have fixed bank deposits, okay? I mean, do you realize how much interest you can earn from that?) I hesitantly bought my very first crate of alcohol. Although, truth be told, it was Evelyn that had to go in and help me buy it. My awkward speech made the storekeeper think I was actually underage and not eligible to drink alcohol. Thankfully, Evie straightened it all out. I did feel rather affronted, though. Do I _look_ underage?

Then, I went shopping with my girlies (got to stop saying that word). They convinced me to buy a very impractical dress. It was very pretty, but I don't see myself wearing that everyday. I've always preferred comfortable clothes that I can recycle for many different occasions.

"Your problem, Lily, is that you think too much" Evelyn had informed me.

"You need to let go and just go with your simple wants. Stop thinking about how useful something is and just go with what you like!" chorused Jenny.

I considered that for a while and then handed over the money for the goods (wincing a little at the price). Currently, I had hung it up in my room, careful not to damage it while I was straightening up my apartment (not that it really needed it).

Before long, the time had rolled around. I donned my shiny new apparel and checked that everything was in order.

It was as good as it could possibly get.

The ringing doorbell signaled arrival of all madness.

Evelyn, Jenny and Sirius flounced inside, tossing jackets and coats onto my couch. I laughed comfortably, seeing them. The panic inside me quelled a little, realizing they would still be here, supporting me if anything went wrong.

Which, if you know me, is bound to happen.

Remus arrived next, looking tired and careworn, but still relatively happy. Jenny fluttered over with smiles and drinks and lots of attention. I smiled sat how healer-ish she was. But I think Remus enjoyed being fussed over. Jenny could be very matronly when she wanted to.

Sirius, meanwhile was having a ridiculous debate with Evelyn about whether a tomato was a fruit or a vegetable.

"I swear, it's a vegetable!"

"For God's sake, Sirius. Everyone knows the tomato is a fruit!"

"Where is your scientific basis, then?"

"Do you even know what a scientific basis is?"

I knew for a fact that Sirius didn't, but he managed to deftly avoid the question.

"I maintain that tomatoes are vegetables. I eat them in dishes! They get salted! They get stewed! I mean, you never drink fruit _soup_, do you? It's always fruit _juice_!"

"Actually, there is also a tomato juice, if you would go out grocery shopping in the Muggle world. And there's pumpkin juice, and the pumpkin is hardly a fruit, is it?"

At this point, I tuned out of their conversation. Peter had arrived. I rushed to embrace him. "Peter! I haven't seen you in God knows how long! How have you been?"

He was shorter than I remembered and had a strange, twitchy way of moving. It was as if he were afraid I would pounce on him like a cat and eat him up. I assure you I had no intention of either pouncing or eating. He muttered some incoherent excuse and scuttled away. I thought it was odd and rather rude of him, but overlooked it all the same. He never was very social, even in our Hogwarts days. I always cut him some slack.

With all members of the party present except one, I was rather anxiously awaiting James. I had it on good word that he was definitely coming (Sirius I would not trust, but Remus assured me so he would be here). The party was beginning rather loudly because the minor debate between Sirius and Evelyn had somehow escalated into an argument. The topic of tomatoes was abandoned (for the time being, anyway) and they were now loudly discussing the relative merits of the opposite sex.

"Men are such arses!"

"Only because they have to put up with women all the time!"

"What do you mean _put up_?"

"You know exactly what I mean! You get all bitchy when it's that time of month. And whenever we forget one titchy little detail, you start nagging nagging nagging."

"Well, if by titchy detail you mean birthdays and anniversaries, then yes, we do nag nag nag. But honestly, what else do you expect? Unlike men, these things actually mean something to us?"

Remus and Jenny attempted to have a conversation too, but nothing could really be heard over all of Evelyn and Sirius' shouting, so they conceded defeat and sat back on the plush armchair and observed them battle it out with amusement. Peter, by now, had shoved himself into a corner of the room and was sculling firewhiskies at an alarming rate. I considered marching over and confiscating the drinks.

At this point, James was almost half an hour late. Granted, he had always had lateness-tendencies, even while we were dating. But half an hour? With a sinking feeling, I began to despair of seeing him. That was rather unfortunate. I mean, it was always nice to get together with my friends and the Marauders, but this plan was all about begging forgiveness from James! Without him, all my troubles had gone to waste.

In the midst of my hopelessness, Remus had drifted over. "You look nice tonight, Lily."

"Yes, doesn't she?" called Evelyn from across the room. She was known for her many talents, and I suppose multi-tasking was one of them. Somehow, she was managing to argue with Sirius and keep track of all the goings-on in the room at the same time. Having offered her contribution to this side of the conversation, she turned back with renewed vigor.

"You know, Sirius. Men hardly bathe. You all have disgusting hygiene habits."

Sirius responded with a nasty four-letter word. I shall not repeat it again.

"Remus, I don't think James is going to turn up at all."

"Lily, I promise he is. He told me so himself. And then he told Sirius when he asked."

"But he's half an hour late!"

"He'll be here."

No sooner had Remus said that, the doorbell rang. I jumped, then scrambled to compose myself and open the door.

Smooth hair

Fix smile on face

Straighten shoulders

Dust lint from pretty new dress (which, really, I wore just for James)

Walk towards door

Grasp doorknob

Suppress trembling of hand

Wipe sweat off palm

Grasp doorknob again

Open door

Swallow gasp from mouth

Marvel at how gorgeous James' girlfriend was

That's right. James had shown up, just as he promised. But he hadn't shown up alone.

"James! Come in!" My smile was melting off my face. I struggled to freeze it. Behind me, Evelyn and Sirius had stopped their shouting and everyone had turned towards the door. Nobody spoke. The only sound to be heard was the _glug-glug_ of Peter and his firewhiskey. James helped him girlfriend out of her coat and they stepped inside.

"Sorry I'm a little late. Marley couldn't find her left earring and we got held up."

His companion nudged him softly. He nodded. "Oh, um, this is Marley Ottoms. I hope you don't mind I brought her."

Inside my head, I was screaming with rage and disbelief.

Marley? Marley? He had the nerve to bring his bloody girlfriend? Had it never occurred to her that if she couldn't find her left earring she could _wear another pair_. How could he saunter into my party half an hour late bringing some leggy arm-candy with him?

But I never voiced my anger. Instead, being the perfect hostess, I swiped two bottles from Peter's little corner and thrusted them at the happy couple. "No, I don't mind at all, James. How do you do, Marley? I'm Lily."

"Oh, yes!" she simpered. "I've heard all about you!" - _slut_ - "You were James' friend at Hogwarts, weren't you?"

The shock pertaining to these events was wearing off slowly and Evelyn had begun arguing with Sirius once more. Understand, though, that there was never any ill intent in their bickering. If anything, it was a good-natured fight, one that was a frequent occurrence in their strange friendship. We never paid it any heed.

With the awkward silence being filled, I rifled through my CD collection to find some music to play. I thought it would better if there was some background sound.

Things weren't going according to plan at all, but I still had a shot. Chance was a fine, flighty thing. Besides, what had I to lose? Even if I failed tonight, there would be many nights to follow.

James was much to gain. And I _would_ have his friendship. Even if it killed me. Unbeknownst to everybody (perhaps even myself), it was already killing me. It killed me to see him with Marley. It killed me to laugh and feign indifference.

It killed me to be next to him.

**AN: God, I really have abandoned this fic! But I have returned! I am alive! Everything's so busy, I'm afraid. This is a short chapter. The rest of the party will be in the next chapter. Right now, I'm having an awful lot of fun talking about Sirius and Evelyn. Aren't they ridiculous? It's funny just writing about them!**


	14. Truth or Dare?

Chapter Fourteen:

I'm a very cautious person. By that, I suppose I mean I think things through very, _very_ carefully before I act on them. I am definitely not impulsive. But if I were, my impulse would be telling me to surround Marely's pretty white neck with my hands and strangle her until she screamed.

Because right now she was kind of half-sitting on James' lap feeding him strawberries. MY strawberries, The strawberries which I had bought with MY money. If I were in kindergarten, I might very well have snatched them right back and told her she couldn't take any.

But I am a grown, mature woman, so I gritted my teeth and tried to make conversation…

Only to find the only person available for conversation was Peter. Remus and Jenny were talking about something related to the construction work going on lately at the Library of Wizarding Congress. Sirius had long stopped his argument with Evelyn and the two were now splayed out on my couch, moaning about the misfortunes of their exes.

"My God, he forgot my birthday. And it wasn't even the first time! We dated for two years. TWO YEARS! I circled and highlighted the date, but that idiot was still too stupid to notice."

"Poor you. I had a girlfriend once that kept owling me. I would be working, right? And this _flock_ of bloody birds would fly through the window, bombarding me with letters and notes and 'I love yous'. It was a nightmare."

"Was she psychologically unbalanced?"

"No idea what that means."

"Was she crazy?"

"What? Oh, yes! Definitely! I mean, she was like some stalker or something. I actually feared for my life. It was a little scary breaking up with her. I thought she might stab me."

They were getting a little drunk and I couldn't help noticing that between them and Peter's incessant drinking, my large crate of alcohol was steadily diminishing.

Maybe I should have invited more people. But, truth be told, I don't actually know that many people. These were probably the closest friends I had, and the others I barely knew or kept in touch with. All in all, it made for a pretty boring party. Well, for me at least. Sirius had Evelyn, Remus had Jenny, James had (ugh) Marley, Peter had his firewhiskey.

And me? I had the CD player and some really awful disco music. Oh well, nobody seemed to notice anyway.

Finally feeling a little fed up (it was my house, after all), I switched off the music and stood up. "Everyone! Let's play a game?"

Conversation ceased and they all looked at me.

"Er… anyone know any good games?" I asked.

"Strip poker!" yelled Sirius. Then he dissolved into a fit of hysteria with Evelyn. I think at this point they were more than a little drunk. Strange what a bunch of sad past partner stories could do to you.

"What about Truth or Dare?" suggested Jenny. Marley snorted. "What are we, five?"

Jenny blinked. I suddenly felt very angry and quite protective. "Well, Marley, if you don't have a little bit of a five year old in you, your existence must be very bleak. I think that's a great game. Come on, let's be immature again for one night!" Remus and Jenny agreed and drew their chairs closer. Sirius and Evelyn managed to sit straight, and Marley reluctantly climbed off James.

"Peter? Peter, we're going to play Truth or Dare now. Do you want to come closer?"

But Peter, it seemed, had passed out.

"Oh, well, he'll be fine." We decided to carry on without him. "Who'll start?"

We looked at each other (James carefully avoiding my gaze, of course). Finally, Jenny stretched out a tentative hand. Evelyn cheered and clapped her hands. "Good for you, Jens!" Right, I'm going to watch how much alcohol she consumes from now on.

Jenny scanned the room, before asking James, "Truth or Dare?"

"Why me? I don't feel like playing, actually."

"Oh, come now, Jamesie-boy!" cried Sirius, hiccupping like crazy. "Don't be such a spoilsport." I'll have to watch how much alcohol he consumes too.

James said nothing, but sat back and pursed his lips. "Truth."

"Okay… Name five items you would take to a deserted island."

He considered it for a while, scratching his chin. God, how I've missed that. He always scratches his chin when he's thinking. It had a little stubble, not a lot, but he wasn't extremely clean-shaven today. I looked away quickly, the nostalgia overwhelming me. "I'd take 'The Catcher in the Rye'…"

"The book?" interrupted Jenny. "I didn't know you read that!"

"That's my favorite book."

I knew that. He was always telling me about it in our Hogwarts days. He'd tell me his character analysis about Holden Caulfield and every scene depiction and who should be the main character if a movie came out. I knew that he'd say 'The Catcher in the Rye' when Jenny asked him that question.

"Um… I'd take my broomstick, my family photo album, a years' supply of chocolate frogs and fireworks."

"Why the fireworks?"

"So someone might see them and come rescue me."

Clever James. He thought of everything. I laughed silently when he said the chocolate frogs. They were his favorite. I always asked him why he especially liked them - he had everything from the card collection three times over. He told me it was the capture of the frogs, the quick snatch that enclosed the wriggling sweet in your palm. I didn't see how appealing that was, but I suppose it had something to do with him being a seeker.

"Right, my turn. Sirius!" James addressed his friend, now drunkenly lolling his head around Evelyn's shoulder. She was sleeping. "Truth or Dare?"

"What?" he asked groggily, opening one eye and attempting to sweep away his fringe. "Wazzamatter?"

"Truth or Dare! Come on! Your turn!"

"Ah… okay, dare."

James cracked a smile (and what a smile. It was something I hadn't seen in so long. I think my stomach melted into a warm puddle) and leaned forwards. "I dare you to owl your boss and tell him you got his daughter pregnant."

In his intoxicated state, Sirius sleepily nodded his head and plodded off in search of some parchment and ink. I sighed. "James, that's a bit mean, isn't it? He's quite drunk, he might lose his job!" Still not making eye contact with me, he said, "Relax. His boss doesn't even have a daughter."

Having scrawled a very ungainly note and attached it to some stray pigeon (I have no idea how he caught one in the first place), Sirius plodded back and threw himself on the couch. "Lily!" he exclaimed, "truth or dare?"

I looked up, startled. "Well, truth, I suppose."

"Sweetheart, this is boring, let's go," said Marley to James. Well, she was pretending to whisper into his ear, but it wasn't very discreet and everybody heard her. I shot her a glare. Really, this woman was very rude! He shook his head at her and she sat back down, pouting a little.

"Lily, Lily, Lily. Out of all the Marauders here, who would you kiss?" Very satisfied with his question, he snuggled further into Evelyn's neck. It was a good thing for him that she was in a semi-coma. Evelyn didn't like being touched very much.

But now I had bigger things to worry about. "Er… here?"

James finally looked at me, his warm hazel eyes eclipsing me, drowning me. I felt my heart give a jump. "Uh… uh… Peter!"

Peter was a safe bet. He was near dead anyway, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Thankfully, no one called me out on my (so apparent) lie. James looked away again. Marley, not really understanding the situation, tugged on James' arm. "Darling, what's wrong?"

There was an uncomfortable silence before he stood up. Marley tried to keep up in her three-inch heels. "I'd better go. It's getting late." He marched out, leaving his girlfriend to scramble for her coat and follow him. I was still sitting there, a little dumbfounded when Evelyn spoke, quite tipsily.

"Well, I don't like her. What was her name? Marley Ottoms? Her last name sounds like Bottoms." And with that, she fell back asleep.

**AN: Wow! Look at this! I updated again! I think the more I work on this story, the more I like it. This was the first story I ever wrote, but I somehow still feel that connection and spark of creativity. My writing style has grown and the story has expanded incredibly. I'm having a lot of fun with it. I hope you are too.**


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